Late

Dear Anonymous Him,
When you say that you'll be home at 5 or 5:30 please oblige. Don't tease me with the promise of adult conversation and a little help and then back out. Don't get irritated with me when I call you at 6:30 and demand to know ask when you're coming home. You had an hour to call me and let me know you were going to be late.
How many times a week do we have to go through this?

Signed,
Anonymous Her

My sister

Oh my gawd. My head is going to explode.

My sister had her new baby. An adorable, sweet little thing. She was born on Monday. She lives far, far away, so who knows when we'll be able to see her. This is her 3rd child and 3rd daughter.

She refused to even try to breastfeed this one, even though she successfully breastfed the other 2 for six weeks. (until she went back to work.) I know 6 weeks isn't long, but it's some. She didn't even give this babe colostrum. She doesn't feel like it.
This is a tricky subject because I KNOW some people don't like or didn't like or didn't want to, breastfeed. Fine. Whatever.
It's an issue in my heart, but I understand that people are different. I haven't said a word to her about it and don't plan to. Formula is fine. Plenty of babies have thrived on it.

Now, my mom is telling me that she (sister) is insisting that her 3 day old baby needs to be on a 4 HOUR SCHEDULE. Even though she's screaming to eat after 2 hours. Gah. I want to smack her.

She is pissed that everyone is asking if the baby is a boy or girl because even though she's dressed in pink she has an extremely masculine name. Like, not even close to gender neutral.
I figured she'd expect that. Whatever. Her hormones are wacky - I get it. Totally get it. Been there.

Her husband (who is an alcoholic but cannot admit it) is telling everyone that he only drinks because of her. She is decidedly hard to get along with. Kind of horrible sometimes. He's no peach either though.

Their girls are so sweet. Her oldest started Kindergarten Monday. There was much screaming and yelling and "WHY DO I SEND YOU TO SCHOOL IF I HAVE TO TEACH YOU!?" last night. Child was willing to do homework. Parent was not.

There is always a lot of screaming there. I feel bad for yelling, but I can't even compare to her. Not even close.

I love my sister and her family but sometimes it is not easy. Actually, loving my nieces is extremely easy. Their parents? Not so much.

Indeed.

Anna asked what we should do about our anger? Indeed. What SHOULD we do?

Hell if I know.

Today hasn't been a good day, but I'm trying to take one thing at a time. I think, for me, the next step is recognizing my triggers. Seems there are few times of day and/or situations that really cause me to stress and sometimes lose it.

1 - Early evening. When AnonHim won't be home for 1-2 more hours and I'm trying to make dinner and the kids ALL want a snack, but it's too close to dinner and there is much screaming and chaos and why, oh why can't I get anything done and IS IT 5PM YET!? urgh! (and if AnonHim is late? Oh lordy.)
Unfortunately, this happens every single day. I am trying to find strategies to make this time less stressful.

2 - Being hit. I can't take it. I think it takes me back to being a child, and makes me feel out of control and I just cannot take it. I see red immediately. Luckily, this does not happen often.

3 - Being stressed in general. Anytime all 3 kids need something at once & the phone is ringing, the TV is blaring, the food is burning, etc - I start to feel trapped. This is a trigger if it starts to go on too long.

4 - Screaming. Meenie is at a stage where he will literally SCREECH like a banshee and it is ear piercing. I have actually gone to bed at night with headaches because of his screaming. I know it's a frustration issue as he's learning more and more words, but it is maddening. Luckily, with time, this will pass.

5 - Also, whining. Ugh. Who likes it though, right? Fit throwing from the eldest also goes into this. The boy knows how to push my buttons.

6 - Sleep issues. I clearly remember Eenie as a baby - he never slept. He was probably 10-ish months old when I experienced this rage the first time. I remember practically tossing him at husband, and running from the room. He had NEVER slept through the night (and didn't till he was 2.5years old) and was often up and down a dozen or more times a night. I had been patient so long, trusting that he would sleep through when he was ready. I remember the first time I lost it because I have never felt so small and so angry and so TERRIBLE in my life. How could I be mad at this baby? This little guy who I loved more than anything. I was sure that I was not meant to be a mother. Oh, the cruel dark of night, when everything seems hopeless.

If there's one thing I've learned about motherhood is that you can only control yourself. Sadly, I've also learned that I'm a bit of a control freak.
Now, what to do? Obviously, these things are not things that I can control.

Luckily, some of these things will go away on their own. (Probably though, they will only be replaced by other, equally enraging, things.)
So, what to do?
I'm trying to figure that out.

Anger

I've been reading a fabulous book called She's Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill . It is helping me in so many ways. It's helping me let go of guilt and help myself and find my faith again.
It has taken me a long time to write this post and an even longer time to come to terms with the issue of my anger.
---------

I never used to be angry. I mean, sure, I'd get cheesed off occasionally - who doesn't? But since having kids, I have experienced anger that scares me. Anger that I didn't even know was down inside me.
This is a very, very hard thing for me to confess. I have always been known as a sweet, nice, loving person. I still think I am those things, but there is a darker side of me. A side that sometimes comes out and I can't seem to stop it. I have had to face the fact that it's OK not to be perfect, but letting others know is a big part of that.

My mother was a big yeller and I know that she regrets it. I hated it as a kid and always swore that I would not do that to my kids. Yet, after each child, my temper and patience seem to have gotten less and less. I have less tolerance for things that didn't bother me before. I find myself raising my voice far too often.
My dad used to have a very violent temper. He still has a temper, but age has mellowed him some. I remember being terrified of him at times and that is not a good feeling.
These are mistakes I do NOT want to repeat with my kids. I cannot stomach the idea of them growing up and thinking these things about me. This will not be their future.

Yet, some days I go to bed and don't feel happy. I lie awake and beat myself up over things that I've done or said and try to think of ways to make better choices next time. Often, when next time comes - as it eventually does - I don't always make better choices. Sometimes I do, but I often just have a knee jerk reaction.
Maybe it's not everyday. Maybe we can go days and weeks at a time without me blowing my top, but I always know it's there under the surface. Are my kids just waiting for the next time I'm going to lose it?

I could blame the situation. I'm still young, in a stressful situation with 3 very small children. Sure, that's a little tough, but this is my life. I can't go around wailing and moaning about the lot I have. I'm a VERY blessed person. I have a beautiful life and should be grateful every moment for it.
Besides that, these kids didn't ask to be born. We brought them here and it's my obligation and joy to raise them.

I could go on and on about the things in my past that have made this anger inside me, but the truth is - what difference does it make?
This is who I am. This is my life. This is IT!
Being that I only get one shot at this, I know that I need to do the best I can.

I'm writing this because I know that I'm not alone. I know that other mothers (and fathers) out there are struggling with anger too. Maybe not everyone, but many.
You aren't alone. You aren't the only one who lies in the dark and promises never to do that again. You aren't the only one who trembled with anger and almost went too far. You aren't the only one who grabbed an upper arm too tightly, or laid a child in bed AGAIN none too gently. You aren't the only one who has heard your toddler say, Don't talk mean to me Mama. and felt your heart break. You aren't alone.

Reach out. I don't want to be alone either.

4 kids?

Do you ever feel like you have a very large child? Sometimes I feel like I have 4 kids instead of just 3.
AnonHim is a great dad, but I hate always being the one to say - OK, it's bath time! or No, you can't have xyz.

I hate always being the one to get up at dinner for the crying baby. Unless I specifically ask AnonHim to do it, he won't. Maybe I should just ask more, but I don't think I should always have to.

I hate that he never cleans off the high chair tray too. I hate that job in particular.

Petty Vent over.

He really is a great dad, everybody has annoying little things. Me? I never remember to put new toilet paper on the roll. Drives him batty.

The inlaws

1 - Passive aggressive comments about how preschool is for LAZY parents, AFTER I've told you that we're sending Eenie in the spring - not appreciated.

2 - Rude comments about how Head Start is for poor people who don't want to take care of their kids - hurtful - since I just told you that I went to Head Start when I was 4. Poor? Yes we were. I guess we didn't deserve the jumpstart on our education.

3 - Hovering over every diaper change, grabbing things out of my hands and insisting that you can do it better? Annoying. As. Hell.

4 - Your indecision about what to do each day was maddening, until we made suggestions of what we'd like to do. Then, your decision to do the opposite of what we wanted was just annoying, especially since it ended with us having to trek around with 3 littles, in the rain.

5 - Your "cutesy" voice and made up words? Not cute. You're 56 years old. Grow up.

6 - Your comments about Anonymous Him's weight (he's weighed almost the same since high school) were mean. Not to mention he is in fabulous shape and you are fat. WTH?

7 - Your passive aggressive comments have to stop. If you want to say something, just fucking say it.

8 - The way you talk to the kids is just wrong. You are the grandmother, not the mother. I will take care of discipline and such. After all, I'm right here. YOU can spoil them, play with them, whatever. Do not tell my 3 year old not to run away at the zoo because some of the animals might EAT HIM.

9 - Please do not visit again for a few months. I don't know if I can take it.

Annoyed or Pleased?

I'm simultaneously annoyed and relieved that Anonymous Him managed to get half a day off on Friday. Annoyed because he hasn't had a SINGLE day off, including weekends, for a month. Relieved because he will be here while his parents are.
I think I'm more pleased than annoyed.

Stay tuned for annoying MIL comments. There will be many.

The inlaws

are coming tomorrow. I am not thrilled about this.

They are getting a motel and a rental car, since we only have one, and a small apartment. They didn't really want to, but I made Anonymous Him insist upon it.
Anonymous Him is working so much. Today will be the first day in a month that he'll be home before 6PM. He left around 5:30 this morning.

So, maybe my inlaws will behave this time. I'll let you know.

Hello!

My name is Anonymous Her. Well, not really.
I had a post in Constance's pink apartment but decided that I probably needed my own anonymous blog. I don't mind if you figure out who I am, but I just need a place where my family can't find me.
There are so many pink apartments, and while they are so lovely, I decided to branch out on my own anonymous site. So here it is.
Enjoy.
~Anonymous Her

Anonymous Him

Dear Anonymous Him,
It kills the mood when you don't want to wear a condom and we have to argue about it. Grow up.
Love,
Your Wife
Anonymous Her