um

When people email you, repeatedly, email them back. If you're on facebook every few hours, you DO have the time.

When you owe people money, pay them, instead of buying toys for yourself and letting the whole world know.

When people who love you ask how you are: respond.

WTF is wrong with him?

My inlaws want to come visit after baby is born. Fine.

I prefer them NOT to come while I'm still in the hospital and usually request 2 weeks after baby is born. I have never yet actually GOTTEN 2 weeks.
It's like these people think these babies are dropped off by the friggin' stork and aren't actually coming out of MY BODY.
Better yet, it will be at Christmas!!! AND they've invited BIL AND SIL to come too. To my house. MY HOUSE. What part of this makes sense?! I don't think BIL and SIL will actually come, at least not without clearing it with us. But, so soon after a baby, my gawd. The thought of entertaining, and at Christmas too, is daunting - to say the least. The no sleeping-round the clock nursing-physically unable to sit or stand comfortably-don't want to get dressed and wear makeup for you people-stage is not that short. I need a month, minimum, before I even start to feel like facing the world again.
Shit.
And now we're already fighting because he doesn't think his parents should have to stay in a hotel. F that. I will be as gracious a host as I possibly can, but they are taking their happy asses to a hotel.
If they can't afford it (they can) they can cut their trip short. I've already sent them a list of hotels that they will find acceptable (i.e. cheap and close).

I'm through bending over backwards. I'm the one having this baby, I'm not going to take this shit anymore. What is wrong with AnonHim that he forgets this conversation EVERY TIME WE HAVE A BABY. 4th time around and he's all - it's not that bad.

Of course, he's never had an 8 and a half pound baby rip apart his body, so what the hell does he know. This is a fight I'm prepared to win. They will be staying in a hotel. Period.

I kind of hate them. Why can't they just leave me alone for a few weeks? That's all I ask.

And just who the hell is going to cook Christmas dinner? F*ck.

It's already starting.

Oh, how I hate rugby. How I hate for my husband to be gone. How I wish he'd rather be with us!!

I know, I know, I KNOW that everyone deserves an outlet and needs a break. I go out with my friends a few times a month and I might be certifiably insane without it. My RATIONAL SIDE knows this but my irrational side doesn't give a shit. My irrational side wants him home while I run away to do ANYthing but what I've been doing all day.

When practice is from 6pm to DARK (about 8PM here right now) then I ASSUME that husband will be home about 30 minutes after dark. Not almost 2 hours later. Without a phone call.

Turns out, as I might have guessed, that he went to a sports bar with the guys and had a beer. No big deal really, but it's just so rude to not even call. What if I had needed him?!

He "forgot." 12 damn years together and his excuse is always that he forgot. Glad I'm so forgettable.
Really, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I worry. He doesn't understand why I get upset. He doesn't understand why I think it's a huge sign of disrespect. He had to drive at least 10 minutes from the field to the destination, and he has a working cell phone. How hard would it have been? Really.

Now he's mad that we have a birthday party on Saturday and I don't want him to go to practice. He PROMISED me a 50% commitment this year. Promised. (1 practice a week instead of 2 or 3, and home games only in the fall, half the games in the spring.)

I didn't believe him, but believe ME when I say that I plan on holding his ass to it.

Man, I'm crabby.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a crabby mood lately.
I'm going to spew my hate right here.

My family is annoying me. They call to talk about themselves. They don't email back. They don't acknowledge thoughtful gifts. They act like they know it all when I know that they don't REALLY have a clue what it's like.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who isn't completely self centered. (and I realize this blog does not reflect that. lol)
Perhaps because most of them don't have kids? I don't know.

I'm still raging inside over my inlaws visit. I mean, they brought me a parenting book! They act put out when I take back MY crying child or don't do what they want. What planet are we living on that grandparents think they're so much more important than parents?!

They have spent years making me feel not good enough, and slinging polite insults my way and then they wonder why I seem so uncomfortable around them. I am not a cold person. I am a warm and nice and thoughtful person who will go out of my way to help other people. But I've been pushed too far. Finally. And I CAN hold a grudge.

And yet, I still waver between wishing things were better and wondering how to make that happen and just not giving a shit.

There are days when I am melancholy and down about not living near family. Wishing I had some support, more help and an ear to listen. But would family bring that?
Some maybe, but not others.

It just seems like it's not supposed to be this way. Families need help!

When my mil points out that "Well, *I* did it with 4 kids!" I want to smack her. For one thing, her kids were spaced much differently than mine. Her oldest was SIX when the twins were born and the twins were 2.5 when the baby was born. I have NO DOUBT that it was still hard. Parenting is ALWAYS hard.
However, she lived within a mile of both sets of grandparents, several aunts and uncles and a couple of her siblings. They never had to hire a babysitter or travel 16 hours in the car to visit family.
You can't tell me that doesn't make a difference.

It annoys her that I don't talk to her or complain about how hard it is so that she can point out that she did it and survived. For one thing, she never has one nice thing to say about her kids early years. It's always about how bad they were, how hard it was, how she did it ALL. For another, I don't complain about my kids that much. (don't laugh)
Yes, it's hard. Yes, it can be frustrating and infuriating and soul sucking.
But I chose this. I love my kids and enjoy them a lot. I want to remember these years with some kind of fondness and not just misery.

I realize this rant makes absolutely no sense. It's not coherent or well written. However, now I feel better.

/rant

Sometimes?

My husband can be a real douche.

some people's kids

OK - I have this friend who I really like and I think we could be really good friends. So far, I've only known her about 6 months. She has 2 kids the same age and gender as my 2 oldest.
She's also a LOT of fun. However, she NEVER watches her kids. Like, ever.
They destroy everything and she just laughs. They don't listen to her at all. They aren't bad kids, they are just allowed to do whatever they want. I shouldn't say WHATEVER they want, I guess she's just more lenient than me. (And I am not very strict.)

It's to the point where I don't want to do anything with her kids, or have them over. My house is a disaster after they leave and I can't even focus when they're here because they aren't disciplined at all. I hate to have to give up this budding friendship because of this.
I know we could just go out together without kids, but that seriously doesn't happen very often.

Avoidance?

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is avoiding you and you can't figure out why? One of my favorite people hasn't really been talking to me lately, and when she is, it's superficial stuff. (How was your day. etc) I know she must be busy, but I can't get over the feeling that I've somehow offended her. Politics? Religion? Family?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid and she's just busy. Or maybe she just likes her new friends better. lol
Still, I can't help but be a little hurt. More than that, I'm worried that I hurt/offended HER in some way. That's the last thing I'd want to do.

ARGH!

Oh goodness, it's good to be home.
My mil is a pill and a pain. My fil isn't much better right now, in my book. Don't even get me started on my sister and brother in law.
All I can say is, thank you for the almost 1000 miles that separates us.

MIL:
The sighs, the innuendos about us not spending enough time there and spending too much with my sister, the overheard remarks about her seeing Miney ONLY 4 times and he's ALREADY 6 months old (we came there 2 of those times.)
The pushing of sugar and candy on my kids who are SICK and NOT interested. Fine, offer them a cookie - you're a grandma after all! BUT AT BREAKFAST? When they're happily eating cereal and eggs? WHY?!!!
Oh, then the comments about how Meenie is soooo MOODY. (Sick + sugar + not enough sleep + 19 months old = moody. Who knew?! ha)
The terrible cooking, the passive aggressive comments about everything, the perceived slights where there were none. ARGH!
As usual, MIL tried to parent the kids. To make it worse, she does things that I don't do and she KNOWS I don't approve of. She pits them against each other, she tries to scare them and she jumps in when I already have things under control. She is notorious with her own kids because she regularly locked them in the closet when she was on the phone. (as in linen closet. on the shelves. NOT a big closet.)
She wonders why we will never leave the kids with them, or let them stay a week and spend the night, but she has actually slapped Eenie's hand in the past, after I was specific that we don't do that. I have no doubt whatsoever that she would spank them if she felt if necessary and then I might have to strangle her.
If they were HER kids, that would be fine, but these are MY kids. Our kids, our way.

FIL:
Ack, the baptism stuff. I'm so furious over this that I was almost in tears when Anonhim told me. We spent a lot of money and went to a LOT of trouble to get there and then found we were deliberately misled. I am so disappointed. Not only because he didn't baptise Miney, but because he KNEW he wouldn't and didn't tell us. AND because he's always been the level headed one who balanced MIL out, but more and more I feel that he doesn't care for me or the way we do things and is letting her getting away with things that he wouldn't have in the past. With no anchor, how bad will she get?
He also seemed rather disapproving about the way we discipline (i.e. don't spank) our kids. I can take disapproval, but I would prefer that it come with silence and respect.

Sister and BIL:
My sister and bil must be miserable. They fight constantly. They are mean to each other and scream, yell and berate their sweet, sweet girls all the time. They have no patience and I have NEVER seen them play with their kids. They get mad about EVERYTHING and their girls are going to rebel in a big way someday. I fear for their teenage years.
Every time I leave there, I feel like crying. What can I do?
If I said anything they would be furious with me and possibly never speak to me again. It stresses me out just being around them. They honestly fight constantly. Constantly.
Picture it:
We're all going to church. About 30 minutes before we have to leave sister puts 2 older girls (3 & 6) in shower. Yells at them constantly to hurry up. Dries them off, screams to brush teeth. Dresses them, spanks oldest because she doesn't want to wear those shoes. Gives in anyway and lets her wear the shoes that she wants to wear. (Not sure why it's a big deal, just let her wear the damn shoes!) BIL is cussing at them to hurry the hell up all the time. Their very long hair is wet and he screams at sister for not drying it and drags crying girls to bathroom to blow dry hair. Threatens to "beat their asses" if they don't quit crying.
(This is the point Anonhim and I left before I punched them both in the face.)
My mother said that after we left bil said that if their kids were going to be bad while we were there, we wouldn't be invited back anymore.

I swear, what the hell can I do? I think they are awful parents and if that was just a dark, dark moment I could excuse it. That is an everyday occurrence. I can't even describe the tone of their voices. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time. Their poor kids. They are sweet, good, girls and I fear that have been, and are being, scarred.

If I lived closer 2 things would definitely happen:

1. I would offer to watch their girls whenever possible and show them how they ought to be treated.
2. I would probably let my sister and her husband have it and/or smack some sense into them and they would never speak to me again.
   

ack!

We're going to visit the inlaws soon!!! ACK! ACK! ACK!

There's so much potential for things that could cheese MIL off that it's hard to think of anything else when I think of the visit.
Us spending time with my sister will certainly annoy her. Politics is most definitely OFF limits. Preschool is out most likely - last time she told me how lazy mothers who stay home are always so eager to send their kids to other people. (AFTER I told her I was thinking of signing up Eenie for preschool. ) *sigh*
Meenie's paci will likely lead to some annoying conversations, as will any potty accidents Eenie has and Miney's refusal to take a bottle. I can only hope and pray they are good in church (they won't be.) or I will have to hear comments about that too.
I will likely have to listen to rants on her job that she loves to complain about, people she loves to gossip about and all the things she's done right and everyone else has done wrong. I will probably also have to hear about approximately 4 people who have "gotten fat" and 3 of her friends who have grand kids who are allowed to spend the night ALL THE TIME and how great it is for THEM and they don't MISS OUT on ANYTHING. Subtle.

On the plus side, if I don't go crazy with rage or boredom, I will have plenty to blog about when I get back. On the minus side, we don't leave here till the 21st and that means it's close enough to worry about but too far away to be almost over.

Hi! Back to bitch.

*WARNING* This post contains politics. It is a vent. You have been warned.

It's been awhile! I've been too frazzled and feeling even too bitchy for this blog. I doubt I can even make this coherent, but here we go!

1 - I've been paying special attention to my emotions since I've been home. I am definitely happier and less snippy. Definitely. But not totally. I'm going to continue monitoring my emotions closely because I have a dr's appointment sometime this month and I'd like to talk to her about anti-depressants if need be.

2 - The election. Gawd, the election. I've never seen the likes of the pissiness going around.
I support Obama, OK? I don't care if you don't. Truly!! My own husband isn't even voting for him!
Please, stop sending me ridiculous emails. I'm begging!! Furthermore, I can take the policy discussions, but the outright lies and character assassination attempts are going to do me in!! Blame the liberal media! Play the victim! Scream socialist or better yet, terrorist! Point fingers, lie, and forget about the issues! Say he wasn't born in America. Say he's a Muslim, and mean it like it's a bad thing!
Ug.
I am so. over. it.

3 - Oh, and don't forget to imply that anyone voting for him is a sheep with no brains, who is mesmerized by his pretty, pretty speeches and can't possibly have done their research and come up with the idea that he is actually the better candidate in their opinion.
OK. Now I'm over it.

4 - Halloween candy. Stress from election + readily available supply of chocolate = bad. Very bad.

5 - I was so afraid I might be pregnant again that I took a cheapie internet test the other day. It was negative and I almost cried from joy.

Feeling Sorry for Myself Monday

- I've been having a period every 2 weeks. There is nothing NOT sucky about that.

- I'm pretty sure I haven't seen the sun in weeks. I want my bright, southern sun back.

- Chances are good, I may never have a daughter.

- I told my husband last night that I think I'm depressed and while he was sympathetic, he didn't really have any way to HELP me or much to say.

- Miney hasn't been sleeping at night. He's up almost every hour. I even tried to give him a formula bottle in desperate hopes that it would help him sleep longer. Apparently it tastes like crap - according to the look on his face.

- My husband disappointed me yesterday in a big way.

- I haven't lost any significant weight in quite some time.

- I ordered 3 new shirts from Old Navy and have to send them back because they're 1) a little too small and 2) see through. Suck.

That can't be a good sign.

Urge to run from house screaming and never look back is increasing every day.

Patience has all but disappeared.

Feelings of despair cloud my mind.

I do believe I'm getting close to the end of my rope. I need to get home in a bad, bad way.

My MIL pisses me off

Comment left on Meenie's baby website:

Hey you goofy little sweet boy. We like your pictures better without that lifesaver in your mouth. We can see your happy smile better. Wish we were there spoiling you. Love you,
-Grandma W------

She constantly mentions him using a paci. He's only 18 months old for crying out loud!! (oh, and when she's here, she is constantly pulling it out of his mouth. Resulting in him screaming - which is WHY he has it to begin with. I'll deal with it when he gets a little older, but right now, let it be!)

Then, this.

We are traveling to TX for Miney's baptism. We really wanted to do it at home (AL) so that our friends could be there and we could have a party at our home afterwards. However, the godparents (military) couldn't travel that far AND if we do it in TX my FIL (who is studying to be a deacon) can baptise Miney. We thought that was pretty special.

So, we are traveling to Texas even though it will be a pain in the booty. Annnnnyway, my sister lives in the same town and she offered to have a little party for everyone afterwards at their new house. She just had a new baby (3rd) and works full time and they're pretty busy, but she really wants to do this.
No one else said anything about other plans, so I told her yes and she was so excited. I emailed MIL & FIL today and my bil's and sil's telling them about it so they wouldn't make other plans.

MIL just emailed me back (ME only, not cc'ing AnonHim, FIL or bil's and sil's) saying that she was thinking of doing a party too at (surprise, surprise) the same time. AND that it would be better because all of the family could see us and blah blah. But, she guesses she could do it on Sunday instead. (this is her m.o. - passive aggressive city)

Ugh.

My nerves are already shot from thinking about the stress of this trip and every little thing she says is tying a tighter knot in my stomach.

Some things that are bothering me.

1 - Family.
* We're going to see my IL's at their house, in November, and I'm already nervous.
* 2 of my family members continue to ignore my emails, not hostile-like, I know they're busy. Still, it's not so hard to email back. I manage to do it and they don't even have kids.
* One of them has been acting very selfishly lately and I'm getting a little weary of it.
* I'm worried about my BIL, who continues to drink heavily, despite 2 medical conditions that mean he should stop. My sister turns a blind eye, but I think he needs help.
* My MIL will not stop sending me political emails. We do not agree on politics (or anything else) and I'm getting very close to losing it. Please hurry November!

2- Politics.
* It's everywhere.
* There's no escape.
* I want to vote and be done with it.
* I can't turn away from CNN anyway.
* I never know who to believe, but I fear that no one can really keep their promises.

3 - Anxiety.
* I've been lying in bed at night, exhausted, and unable to sleep. I keep thinking about all the bad things that could happen to me, to AnonHim, and, God Forbid, to the kids. Every creak has me worried that someone is breaking in.
* There are other things that are going on too. I'm worried that maybe I'm in need of a little help and I don't know what to do.
* I have an appointment with my Dr in November, but I'm hoping that I will feel a lot better when I'm back at home.

4 - FDA.
* Am I the only one who feels like they are completely unreliable? Them saying something is safe makes me roll my eyes. They'll likely say it's unsafe next month.
* I'm still avoiding BPA. Take that FDA.

My birthday

I love giving gifts. Shopping for that perfect little thing that fits so and so just right. I have 3 boxes on my counter right now, just waiting to go out. Two just because, one for a birthday.
They are all carefully selected, and a lot of thought went into them.
I really enjoy finding the right thing for the right person.

So, while I immensely appreciate birthday or holiday gifts in any form - I always feel grateful and a little sad at the same time. I almost always get gift cards or money for gifts.
I know, I know. How terrible.

I just wish that there was someone in my life who was really thoughtful about picking out just the right thing for me. I know that you can buy whatever you like with gift cards and with money, but very little thought goes into them. Especially when you get them year after year.

Yes, I'm an ungrateful bitch. I know.

Fight, cont.

We hashed it out, but I can't say anything was resolved.
I hate to even admit it, but I can kind of see his side. I do spend a lot of time online, and while I DO deserve it, I also need to get offline sometimes.
Today I've tried to create a better balance and the house is still not that clean. Big shock.

We talked about other things too, like the lack of respect it shows when he can't even call when he's going to be late.
I told him that when he criticizes me in the manner he did and makes his "suggestions" I feel put down and unappreciated and all I can hear is "You're not good enough. You're not doing enough."

I told him how hard that is to hear when there are many days when I feel like I'm not even holding it all together. I'm barely hanging on and you're asking me to try harder!?

I don't think things were resolved. Despite me wanting to work it out, he eventually went to bed. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Also, I do partly blame his mother. She was one of those typical Southern women that you hear about, kwim?
Also, his parents did not cultivate a sense of how to treat your wife in him or his brothers. Very little affection (which he has overcome) and no thoughtfulness or romance. Irritating.

In spite of that, I don't feel so bitter about it anymore. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and he'll probably wisen up enough to shut up.

We had a fight.

And I still feel bitter.

Our Internet went out Friday night. I am addicted to the Internet. I can admit that, but it rubbed me the wrong way when Anonymous Him said I was. Just because I need it to keep in touch with people does not mean I can't survive without it. I CAN survive without it, but I don't think I should HAVE TO!

This was one of those fights that started small enough and could have been overcome by saying a few right things, or just shutting up. AnonHim was not smart that night. No sir. Instead, he said all the wrong things.

Things like -
You could cook and clean more instead of being online during the day.
You probably spend, like, an HOUR a day online. (poor, stupid man.)
You shouldn't be online AT ALL while I'm at work because if I'm working, you should be too.

There's more, but really - isn't that enough?
Does anyone else want to hurt him right now? I still feel bitter about the things he said.
I am so hurt. I have always been willing to do whatever it took to make things work, and to make him happy. I moved with him to Virginia, then to Alabama and we made a life together. I've always worked hard.
Now I've temporarily relocated to Seattle for him. I didn't WANT to do this. I never wanted to. I thought it would be a pain in the ass and horribly lonely.
He said it would be good for his career but we didn't have to do it. I said we should, even though I didn't want to. Now, here I am, miserable half the time and homesick all the time. So maybe I spend too much time online and talk to my friends and try to stay connected to someone.
He's working hard, admittedly. I've never questioned how hard he works.
That doesn't mean I don't work hard too. Just because I get to stay home and can nurse a baby and check email all at once doesn't mean I don't work too. I'd like to see him do that. (heh)

He hurt me. I felt completely unappreciated.

Let's not forget that dinner is on the table every night when he comes home. Often cold, because he can't tell time. The laundry could sit in the basket less time I suppose, but I hate laundry. It does get done. The kids are fed, the house is relatively clean and dammit - that's not the point!
I take care of our 3 children all day! If he wanted a maid and a cook then he should have hired one. I don't mind doing those things, but I certainly don't want to be told what to do.
Our oldest child is only 3.5 years old! If he expects the house to be pristine, then he's not thinking straight.

This fight is not over. I hate these things that drag on for days. Just because he insulted me and then rolled over and went to sleep does not mean it's over. Just because I got up and washed dishes and cried while he begged me to come back to bed does not mean anything is resolved.
I still feel bitter and I know it's going to come out. I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel happy and loved and loving and not irritated and bitter and full of sadness about the way this has turned out.

I often think how lucky I am and how much I love AnonHim and how awful my life would be without him. Then he does something stupid and I wonder if I even KNOW him, much less LOVE him!

Late

Dear Anonymous Him,
When you say that you'll be home at 5 or 5:30 please oblige. Don't tease me with the promise of adult conversation and a little help and then back out. Don't get irritated with me when I call you at 6:30 and demand to know ask when you're coming home. You had an hour to call me and let me know you were going to be late.
How many times a week do we have to go through this?

Signed,
Anonymous Her

My sister

Oh my gawd. My head is going to explode.

My sister had her new baby. An adorable, sweet little thing. She was born on Monday. She lives far, far away, so who knows when we'll be able to see her. This is her 3rd child and 3rd daughter.

She refused to even try to breastfeed this one, even though she successfully breastfed the other 2 for six weeks. (until she went back to work.) I know 6 weeks isn't long, but it's some. She didn't even give this babe colostrum. She doesn't feel like it.
This is a tricky subject because I KNOW some people don't like or didn't like or didn't want to, breastfeed. Fine. Whatever.
It's an issue in my heart, but I understand that people are different. I haven't said a word to her about it and don't plan to. Formula is fine. Plenty of babies have thrived on it.

Now, my mom is telling me that she (sister) is insisting that her 3 day old baby needs to be on a 4 HOUR SCHEDULE. Even though she's screaming to eat after 2 hours. Gah. I want to smack her.

She is pissed that everyone is asking if the baby is a boy or girl because even though she's dressed in pink she has an extremely masculine name. Like, not even close to gender neutral.
I figured she'd expect that. Whatever. Her hormones are wacky - I get it. Totally get it. Been there.

Her husband (who is an alcoholic but cannot admit it) is telling everyone that he only drinks because of her. She is decidedly hard to get along with. Kind of horrible sometimes. He's no peach either though.

Their girls are so sweet. Her oldest started Kindergarten Monday. There was much screaming and yelling and "WHY DO I SEND YOU TO SCHOOL IF I HAVE TO TEACH YOU!?" last night. Child was willing to do homework. Parent was not.

There is always a lot of screaming there. I feel bad for yelling, but I can't even compare to her. Not even close.

I love my sister and her family but sometimes it is not easy. Actually, loving my nieces is extremely easy. Their parents? Not so much.

4 kids?

Do you ever feel like you have a very large child? Sometimes I feel like I have 4 kids instead of just 3.
AnonHim is a great dad, but I hate always being the one to say - OK, it's bath time! or No, you can't have xyz.

I hate always being the one to get up at dinner for the crying baby. Unless I specifically ask AnonHim to do it, he won't. Maybe I should just ask more, but I don't think I should always have to.

I hate that he never cleans off the high chair tray too. I hate that job in particular.

Petty Vent over.

He really is a great dad, everybody has annoying little things. Me? I never remember to put new toilet paper on the roll. Drives him batty.