I've been reading a fabulous book called She's Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill . It is helping me in so many ways. It's helping me let go of guilt and help myself and find my faith again.
It has taken me a long time to write this post and an even longer time to come to terms with the issue of my anger.
---------
I never used to be angry. I mean, sure, I'd get cheesed off occasionally - who doesn't? But since having kids, I have experienced anger that scares me. Anger that I didn't even know was down inside me.
This is a very, very hard thing for me to confess. I have always been known as a sweet, nice, loving person. I still think I am those things, but there is a darker side of me. A side that sometimes comes out and I can't seem to stop it. I have had to face the fact that it's OK not to be perfect, but letting others know is a big part of that.
My mother was a big yeller and I know that she regrets it. I hated it as a kid and always swore that I would not do that to my kids. Yet, after each child, my temper and patience seem to have gotten less and less. I have less tolerance for things that didn't bother me before. I find myself raising my voice far too often.
My dad used to have a very violent temper. He still has a temper, but age has mellowed him some. I remember being terrified of him at times and that is not a good feeling.
These are mistakes I do NOT want to repeat with my kids. I cannot stomach the idea of them growing up and thinking these things about me. This will not be their future.
Yet, some days I go to bed and don't feel happy. I lie awake and beat myself up over things that I've done or said and try to think of ways to make better choices next time. Often, when next time comes - as it eventually does - I don't always make better choices. Sometimes I do, but I often just have a knee jerk reaction.
Maybe it's not everyday. Maybe we can go days and weeks at a time without me blowing my top, but I always know it's there under the surface. Are my kids just waiting for the next time I'm going to lose it?
I could blame the situation. I'm still young, in a stressful situation with 3 very small children. Sure, that's a little tough, but this is my life. I can't go around wailing and moaning about the lot I have. I'm a VERY blessed person. I have a beautiful life and should be grateful every moment for it.
Besides that, these kids didn't ask to be born. We brought them here and it's my obligation and joy to raise them.
I could go on and on about the things in my past that have made this anger inside me, but the truth is - what difference does it make?
This is who I am. This is my life. This is IT!
Being that I only get one shot at this, I know that I need to do the best I can.
I'm writing this because I know that I'm not alone. I know that other mothers (and fathers) out there are struggling with anger too. Maybe not everyone, but many.
You aren't alone. You aren't the only one who lies in the dark and promises never to do that again. You aren't the only one who trembled with anger and almost went too far. You aren't the only one who grabbed an upper arm too tightly, or laid a child in bed AGAIN none too gently. You aren't the only one who has heard your toddler say, Don't talk mean to me Mama. and felt your heart break. You aren't alone.
Reach out. I don't want to be alone either.
9 comments:
Honey, you are going to make me cry. Of COURSE you're not alone. I do all those same things as well. I do have a bad temper and a vast shortage of patience.
But I have always been this way. It must be hard to look back and feel like you were different at one point.
I wish I never snapped at my kids. I wish I had better coping methods for the anger. I understand. I don't want them to think of me as angry and volitile and hateful when they grow up either. It is such a struggle.
I don't have kids, so I can't relate to this on that level, but I suspect that once I have kids, I will. Sleep deprivation and stress make me angry in general, and my mother was a very angry person, and I was always scared of her. I am afraid of repeating her mistakes but I try to remind myself of several things. 1. Her mother was angrier than she was and my own mother was an improvement on hers. In the same way, I'll be an improvement on mine. 2. I am aware of this issue in a way that my mother was not and that will go a long way. 3. I turned out very well despite my mother's anger.
Similarly, I think you are ahead of the curve here. You know it's an issue and you're doing what you can to deal with it. I think that right there will make a huge difference. I think another thing that would/will make a difference is talking to your kids about your anger once it's over. My mother never apologized, never talked to us as though she could understand why we were upset by her anger, never acknowledged that her angry episodes might have been a negative thing for us or that she might have been wrong to lash out like she did. Any outreach from her, any apologies, any upfront discussion about what had happened would have made a world of difference, and would have prevented me from being so scared the next time.
Jess is totally right, I was thinking the same things to write dow while reading her comment.
I also had a (single) parent with anger problems and like Jess, if she would have just acknowledged the anger and apologized, it would have made a huge difference!
My only difference is my mother used to fly off the handle and hit us. Hard. With objects. And rage. And almost couldn't stop. Often times I didn't even know why I was getting hit.
(Obviously that isn't you, and never will be.)
Also she never told us she loved us or hugged us. My point for saying that, is just as long as the kids know you love them, and get a physical confirmation, a few angry moments a week, month or year, will be looked back upon by the kids (hopefully) as: Boy, we sure were a handful!
Listen, I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. And every time I read that someone hated when their mom yelled at them, I feel even more horrified by my yelling and more scared that my children will hate my yelling too and will think I should have done something about it.
But what can we do about it? People are always saying their parents should have stopped, but HOW? Do we need medication, do you think?
When Maddie was about six or seven months old, she was fighting me while I was trying to feed her. She didn't want to be held, but wanted her bottle. She head-butted me and I smacked her on the thigh. Hard. I was completely out of control with anger. I will never, ever forget that feeling. I wanted nothing more than to go back in time and not strike my daughter.
She cried and I tried to comfort her, but who wants to be comforted by the person that just intentionally caused you pain?
I haven't acted out of anger toward her since, but it's a daily struggle. I take a medication that helps me control it, but it's certainly not a magic pill.
You are so brave for writing this. & look how many of us there are that feel the same way. I did not grow with an angry parent by any means, so the anger I feel now that I've had a child was a total surprise to me. The anger comes out automatically, without intention on part. Sometimes I can hear myself as if it's an out-of-body experience and I think "who IS this person yelling?" because it does not seem possible it could be me. I'm sweet and loveable and non-confrontational, not all angry at a child who doesn't know better. Like Erica, I'm on meds and it helps tremendously, but as she also said, it certainly isn't a magic pill.
I have done some things to my lil ones I wish I never did but its done and now I make sure I tell them I love them like a hundred times a day. I have not got the yelling under control but before I know it I'm doing it. It comes out of no where. My father was so mean and violent that id hide in the bathroom a lot. I don't want my kids to do that. I hate myself most days because of the neg vibe I put on my kids. I work outside the home so I only see them in the evening and those days are mostly good. But when I'm home for the summer its like a different person. You never really get a break so your anger is some what understood.
Whether it be anger or something else, I think that we all have things that we beat ourselves up about as mothers/parents. Don't worry yourself sick about it. I think it's great that you recognize it's an issue for you. That's the beginning of working through it.
I know I have my moments of anger and frustration with my son. It's strange how stress with a child can bring that out. I'm constantly telling my mom that I now understand why she reacted the way she did in certain situations.
You are SO not alone!!!
Post a Comment