Breathe

Just breathe. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Don't hurt people who are clearly too stupid for their own good.

To Jess & Torsten

Here's to you both!
Many wishes for a long and happy life together.

Some things that are bothering me.

1 - Family.
* We're going to see my IL's at their house, in November, and I'm already nervous.
* 2 of my family members continue to ignore my emails, not hostile-like, I know they're busy. Still, it's not so hard to email back. I manage to do it and they don't even have kids.
* One of them has been acting very selfishly lately and I'm getting a little weary of it.
* I'm worried about my BIL, who continues to drink heavily, despite 2 medical conditions that mean he should stop. My sister turns a blind eye, but I think he needs help.
* My MIL will not stop sending me political emails. We do not agree on politics (or anything else) and I'm getting very close to losing it. Please hurry November!

2- Politics.
* It's everywhere.
* There's no escape.
* I want to vote and be done with it.
* I can't turn away from CNN anyway.
* I never know who to believe, but I fear that no one can really keep their promises.

3 - Anxiety.
* I've been lying in bed at night, exhausted, and unable to sleep. I keep thinking about all the bad things that could happen to me, to AnonHim, and, God Forbid, to the kids. Every creak has me worried that someone is breaking in.
* There are other things that are going on too. I'm worried that maybe I'm in need of a little help and I don't know what to do.
* I have an appointment with my Dr in November, but I'm hoping that I will feel a lot better when I'm back at home.

4 - FDA.
* Am I the only one who feels like they are completely unreliable? Them saying something is safe makes me roll my eyes. They'll likely say it's unsafe next month.
* I'm still avoiding BPA. Take that FDA.

My birthday

I love giving gifts. Shopping for that perfect little thing that fits so and so just right. I have 3 boxes on my counter right now, just waiting to go out. Two just because, one for a birthday.
They are all carefully selected, and a lot of thought went into them.
I really enjoy finding the right thing for the right person.

So, while I immensely appreciate birthday or holiday gifts in any form - I always feel grateful and a little sad at the same time. I almost always get gift cards or money for gifts.
I know, I know. How terrible.

I just wish that there was someone in my life who was really thoughtful about picking out just the right thing for me. I know that you can buy whatever you like with gift cards and with money, but very little thought goes into them. Especially when you get them year after year.

Yes, I'm an ungrateful bitch. I know.

FTR

Remember this? And this?

Well. Anonymous Him watched Eenie, Meenie and Miney this weekend for a few hours all by himself while I did some shopping with a friend. It was nap time and 2 of our 3 kidlets did not cooperate. Weee!

That night, out of the blue, AnonHim turned to me and said, "I was dumb to question what you do. Really stupid."

Trust me, this is huge. AnonHim is very confident (cocky) and sure of himself (never wrong.)
Apparently, retail therapy really IS what I needed.

brother

My brother is engaged and set to be married in June. My mom keeps telling me how he is already wearing his wedding ring, and refers to himself as a husband. He lives with her, who we all love.
They had business cards made up with his last name - D & A Smith. They bought a business together last month.
I keep thinking that they secretly eloped and aren't telling people. I messaged him about it jokingly and got no response. hmmm

Banging my head against the wall.

I was pissed when he finally got home at 7. Of course he didn't call. Big shocker there, even though we'd just talked it about less than 24 hours ago.
Even though I've been requesting a call if he's going to be more than 30 minutes.
Even though I've asked him to do this for YEARS.
Years and years of requests that have obviously gone in one ear and out the other.

I had taken his "suggestions" to heart and vacuumed the stairs and cleaned the bathroom floors and mopped and did all the regulr stuff too, but paid special attention to the stuff that was bugging him. However, it just made things worse that I'm willing to listen and change and he stays the same. BLAH!

I really let him have it after the kids went to bed and he was all, "If I'd known it was that big of a deal, I would have called. Sheesh."

That's when I started banging my head against the wall.

Arguing continued and then we made up. We'll see if things change but I've let it go. We're getting along fine now and things are fine.

He's late again.

Fight, cont.

We hashed it out, but I can't say anything was resolved.
I hate to even admit it, but I can kind of see his side. I do spend a lot of time online, and while I DO deserve it, I also need to get offline sometimes.
Today I've tried to create a better balance and the house is still not that clean. Big shock.

We talked about other things too, like the lack of respect it shows when he can't even call when he's going to be late.
I told him that when he criticizes me in the manner he did and makes his "suggestions" I feel put down and unappreciated and all I can hear is "You're not good enough. You're not doing enough."

I told him how hard that is to hear when there are many days when I feel like I'm not even holding it all together. I'm barely hanging on and you're asking me to try harder!?

I don't think things were resolved. Despite me wanting to work it out, he eventually went to bed. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Also, I do partly blame his mother. She was one of those typical Southern women that you hear about, kwim?
Also, his parents did not cultivate a sense of how to treat your wife in him or his brothers. Very little affection (which he has overcome) and no thoughtfulness or romance. Irritating.

In spite of that, I don't feel so bitter about it anymore. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and he'll probably wisen up enough to shut up.

We had a fight.

And I still feel bitter.

Our Internet went out Friday night. I am addicted to the Internet. I can admit that, but it rubbed me the wrong way when Anonymous Him said I was. Just because I need it to keep in touch with people does not mean I can't survive without it. I CAN survive without it, but I don't think I should HAVE TO!

This was one of those fights that started small enough and could have been overcome by saying a few right things, or just shutting up. AnonHim was not smart that night. No sir. Instead, he said all the wrong things.

Things like -
You could cook and clean more instead of being online during the day.
You probably spend, like, an HOUR a day online. (poor, stupid man.)
You shouldn't be online AT ALL while I'm at work because if I'm working, you should be too.

There's more, but really - isn't that enough?
Does anyone else want to hurt him right now? I still feel bitter about the things he said.
I am so hurt. I have always been willing to do whatever it took to make things work, and to make him happy. I moved with him to Virginia, then to Alabama and we made a life together. I've always worked hard.
Now I've temporarily relocated to Seattle for him. I didn't WANT to do this. I never wanted to. I thought it would be a pain in the ass and horribly lonely.
He said it would be good for his career but we didn't have to do it. I said we should, even though I didn't want to. Now, here I am, miserable half the time and homesick all the time. So maybe I spend too much time online and talk to my friends and try to stay connected to someone.
He's working hard, admittedly. I've never questioned how hard he works.
That doesn't mean I don't work hard too. Just because I get to stay home and can nurse a baby and check email all at once doesn't mean I don't work too. I'd like to see him do that. (heh)

He hurt me. I felt completely unappreciated.

Let's not forget that dinner is on the table every night when he comes home. Often cold, because he can't tell time. The laundry could sit in the basket less time I suppose, but I hate laundry. It does get done. The kids are fed, the house is relatively clean and dammit - that's not the point!
I take care of our 3 children all day! If he wanted a maid and a cook then he should have hired one. I don't mind doing those things, but I certainly don't want to be told what to do.
Our oldest child is only 3.5 years old! If he expects the house to be pristine, then he's not thinking straight.

This fight is not over. I hate these things that drag on for days. Just because he insulted me and then rolled over and went to sleep does not mean it's over. Just because I got up and washed dishes and cried while he begged me to come back to bed does not mean anything is resolved.
I still feel bitter and I know it's going to come out. I don't want to feel this way. I want to feel happy and loved and loving and not irritated and bitter and full of sadness about the way this has turned out.

I often think how lucky I am and how much I love AnonHim and how awful my life would be without him. Then he does something stupid and I wonder if I even KNOW him, much less LOVE him!