um

When people email you, repeatedly, email them back. If you're on facebook every few hours, you DO have the time.

When you owe people money, pay them, instead of buying toys for yourself and letting the whole world know.

When people who love you ask how you are: respond.

WTF is wrong with him?

My inlaws want to come visit after baby is born. Fine.

I prefer them NOT to come while I'm still in the hospital and usually request 2 weeks after baby is born. I have never yet actually GOTTEN 2 weeks.
It's like these people think these babies are dropped off by the friggin' stork and aren't actually coming out of MY BODY.
Better yet, it will be at Christmas!!! AND they've invited BIL AND SIL to come too. To my house. MY HOUSE. What part of this makes sense?! I don't think BIL and SIL will actually come, at least not without clearing it with us. But, so soon after a baby, my gawd. The thought of entertaining, and at Christmas too, is daunting - to say the least. The no sleeping-round the clock nursing-physically unable to sit or stand comfortably-don't want to get dressed and wear makeup for you people-stage is not that short. I need a month, minimum, before I even start to feel like facing the world again.
Shit.
And now we're already fighting because he doesn't think his parents should have to stay in a hotel. F that. I will be as gracious a host as I possibly can, but they are taking their happy asses to a hotel.
If they can't afford it (they can) they can cut their trip short. I've already sent them a list of hotels that they will find acceptable (i.e. cheap and close).

I'm through bending over backwards. I'm the one having this baby, I'm not going to take this shit anymore. What is wrong with AnonHim that he forgets this conversation EVERY TIME WE HAVE A BABY. 4th time around and he's all - it's not that bad.

Of course, he's never had an 8 and a half pound baby rip apart his body, so what the hell does he know. This is a fight I'm prepared to win. They will be staying in a hotel. Period.

I kind of hate them. Why can't they just leave me alone for a few weeks? That's all I ask.

And just who the hell is going to cook Christmas dinner? F*ck.

It's already starting.

Oh, how I hate rugby. How I hate for my husband to be gone. How I wish he'd rather be with us!!

I know, I know, I KNOW that everyone deserves an outlet and needs a break. I go out with my friends a few times a month and I might be certifiably insane without it. My RATIONAL SIDE knows this but my irrational side doesn't give a shit. My irrational side wants him home while I run away to do ANYthing but what I've been doing all day.

When practice is from 6pm to DARK (about 8PM here right now) then I ASSUME that husband will be home about 30 minutes after dark. Not almost 2 hours later. Without a phone call.

Turns out, as I might have guessed, that he went to a sports bar with the guys and had a beer. No big deal really, but it's just so rude to not even call. What if I had needed him?!

He "forgot." 12 damn years together and his excuse is always that he forgot. Glad I'm so forgettable.
Really, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I worry. He doesn't understand why I get upset. He doesn't understand why I think it's a huge sign of disrespect. He had to drive at least 10 minutes from the field to the destination, and he has a working cell phone. How hard would it have been? Really.

Now he's mad that we have a birthday party on Saturday and I don't want him to go to practice. He PROMISED me a 50% commitment this year. Promised. (1 practice a week instead of 2 or 3, and home games only in the fall, half the games in the spring.)

I didn't believe him, but believe ME when I say that I plan on holding his ass to it.

Man, I'm crabby.

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a crabby mood lately.
I'm going to spew my hate right here.

My family is annoying me. They call to talk about themselves. They don't email back. They don't acknowledge thoughtful gifts. They act like they know it all when I know that they don't REALLY have a clue what it's like.
Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one who isn't completely self centered. (and I realize this blog does not reflect that. lol)
Perhaps because most of them don't have kids? I don't know.

I'm still raging inside over my inlaws visit. I mean, they brought me a parenting book! They act put out when I take back MY crying child or don't do what they want. What planet are we living on that grandparents think they're so much more important than parents?!

They have spent years making me feel not good enough, and slinging polite insults my way and then they wonder why I seem so uncomfortable around them. I am not a cold person. I am a warm and nice and thoughtful person who will go out of my way to help other people. But I've been pushed too far. Finally. And I CAN hold a grudge.

And yet, I still waver between wishing things were better and wondering how to make that happen and just not giving a shit.

There are days when I am melancholy and down about not living near family. Wishing I had some support, more help and an ear to listen. But would family bring that?
Some maybe, but not others.

It just seems like it's not supposed to be this way. Families need help!

When my mil points out that "Well, *I* did it with 4 kids!" I want to smack her. For one thing, her kids were spaced much differently than mine. Her oldest was SIX when the twins were born and the twins were 2.5 when the baby was born. I have NO DOUBT that it was still hard. Parenting is ALWAYS hard.
However, she lived within a mile of both sets of grandparents, several aunts and uncles and a couple of her siblings. They never had to hire a babysitter or travel 16 hours in the car to visit family.
You can't tell me that doesn't make a difference.

It annoys her that I don't talk to her or complain about how hard it is so that she can point out that she did it and survived. For one thing, she never has one nice thing to say about her kids early years. It's always about how bad they were, how hard it was, how she did it ALL. For another, I don't complain about my kids that much. (don't laugh)
Yes, it's hard. Yes, it can be frustrating and infuriating and soul sucking.
But I chose this. I love my kids and enjoy them a lot. I want to remember these years with some kind of fondness and not just misery.

I realize this rant makes absolutely no sense. It's not coherent or well written. However, now I feel better.

/rant

omg

My mil just added me and my husband as a friend on face book. Holy shit.

Sometimes?

My husband can be a real douche.

Well, that sucked.

I just had to tell a very dear friend that I'm pregnant. A friend who has suffered multiple losses and is going through every procedure you can imagine. :(
That sucked.

Falling

February has really sucked ass. I feel like I'm losing it. I'm short with the kids, who have been constantly sick and whiny. It's not THEIR fault that they're sick, but dammit - my patience is totally gone, gone, GONE.
I don't want to play with them. I don't even feel like making them dinner, since they never eat it. I spend too much time on the computer. I let the laundry pile up because I can hide it in the closet, unlike the dishes, which annoy the crap out of me and so I do those obsessively.
I've eaten 2 boxes of GS cookies THIS WEEK and that is pathetic and sad. *sigh* I've barely exercised in days and I have eaten too much in my pity party. That makes me feel even worse, which makes me want to say "To Hell with it!" and eat whatever the hell I want.

I hate winter. I hate having sick kids. I hate not leaving the house for anything fun for weeks on end. I hate wanting to lose weight but not having enough motivation to PUT DOWN THE COOKIES... I need a break. I need a break. I need a break.

I'm going to go make myself work out now, and take advantage of some endorphins. But I really don't want to. I'd rather sit on the couch in a lump and watch TV.

some people's kids

OK - I have this friend who I really like and I think we could be really good friends. So far, I've only known her about 6 months. She has 2 kids the same age and gender as my 2 oldest.
She's also a LOT of fun. However, she NEVER watches her kids. Like, ever.
They destroy everything and she just laughs. They don't listen to her at all. They aren't bad kids, they are just allowed to do whatever they want. I shouldn't say WHATEVER they want, I guess she's just more lenient than me. (And I am not very strict.)

It's to the point where I don't want to do anything with her kids, or have them over. My house is a disaster after they leave and I can't even focus when they're here because they aren't disciplined at all. I hate to have to give up this budding friendship because of this.
I know we could just go out together without kids, but that seriously doesn't happen very often.

babybabybabybaby

Why is it that when you tentatively decide to try for another baby your brain flips out? You can't think about anything but BABY! and BABY! And even though you don't want a December baby AND you want to lost 15 more lbs you think about doing rash things, like not using protection. (but you do anyway...) Or not dieting because you're just going to get fat again. (but you keep doing it anyway...)

BABY!!!

URgh! Knock it off brain!! Er, I mean... not that that's happened to ME! I'm just saying...

Baby thing

If you had a friend who had experienced multiple pregnancy losses and desperately wanted another baby, how you would you tell her YOU were pregnant??

I am NOT pregnant, but I have a feeling that in a few months I could be and I realized I'm hesitating, in part, because I don't want to hurt her by getting pregnant before she has a healthy pregnancy.

She is a VERY VERY GOOD friend and I would do anything not to hurt her. She reads over at "the other place" so she knows we are thinking of having another baby. But, when it happens, how do I tell her without breaking her heart?
She's extremely sensitive to pregnancy announcements lately, and I don't blame her. I just don't want to hurt her.

WWYD?

The IL thing

Here's the thing. I don't think my inlaws like me and I wish they would. Maybe I shouldn't care, but they are the parents of Anonymous Him and the grandparents of Eenie, Meenie and Miney and I want them to like me.

Perhaps I'm wrong and they're fine with me. Maybe I'm paranoid. I don't know.
Maybe MIL doesn't mean to be mean. Maybe she's just thoughtless sometimes and I take it too personally. Maybe they disagree with the way we, or I, parent. Maybe they are mad about something I don't even remember or know about.

I don't know.

I do know this: They are not bad people.
On the contrary, they are very good people. And that is one of the reasons that it hurts when I feel that they don't care for me. I feel like I've always been nice to them. If it weren't for me, Anonymous Him wouldn't EVER call them, would NEVER remember their birthdays and probably would have a much different life than the one we have now.
I send them pictures, updates and welcome them when they visit. And if I cringe and whinge and whine about them here, it's a vent. I don't think they feel as if I don't want them here. IF they do, it's not my intention. It is hard for me to act normal when I feel like I have to walk on eggshells.

I need this place to vent about ridiculous things. Things that hurt me. Things that make me mad or confuse me.
There's no doubt that there is tension between us but I don't know where or when it started. Nor do I know how to make it better. When I say that I'm trying to get them to like me, it's not because I want to trick or fool them. It's because I actually WANT them to LIKE ME!!
Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do.

So, even though the chances they have found this blog are slim to NONE, I thought I should just explain the way it is...

weird

I just got an email from mil saying they aren't coming. Now I am paranoid wondering if they found this blog.

I mean, really, I LIKE getting emails from them. I really do. I swear.

The inlaws

Are coming to visit Friday and staying 3 nights. It's been a long, bad week already and it's only Tuesday. I really wish they would stay in a hotel or something, but I know they won't. I'm not really looking forward to this but I'm still hoping it will go well.
I've been trying to get MIL to like me more lately, doing things like responding to the ridiculous email forwards she sends me and acting like I care. (I am mean, I know that sounds bad, but these are such dumb emails. How many different ways can you pose a cat?!?!)
Let's see if it paid off.



Weeeeeeee!!! Here we go!

update and hmmm

update:
No further word from Avoidance girl. Weekend plans got in the way I'm sure. I'm really just hoping that things are fine between us, and that's why the email is so long in coming. I can hope.

hmmmm, this morning I took a pregnancy test. It was negative.
I was a little disappointed even though we are actively trying NOT TO GET PG. hmmmm

Avoidance?

Do you ever get the feeling that someone is avoiding you and you can't figure out why? One of my favorite people hasn't really been talking to me lately, and when she is, it's superficial stuff. (How was your day. etc) I know she must be busy, but I can't get over the feeling that I've somehow offended her. Politics? Religion? Family?
I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid and she's just busy. Or maybe she just likes her new friends better. lol
Still, I can't help but be a little hurt. More than that, I'm worried that I hurt/offended HER in some way. That's the last thing I'd want to do.