WTF is wrong with him?

My inlaws want to come visit after baby is born. Fine.

I prefer them NOT to come while I'm still in the hospital and usually request 2 weeks after baby is born. I have never yet actually GOTTEN 2 weeks.
It's like these people think these babies are dropped off by the friggin' stork and aren't actually coming out of MY BODY.
Better yet, it will be at Christmas!!! AND they've invited BIL AND SIL to come too. To my house. MY HOUSE. What part of this makes sense?! I don't think BIL and SIL will actually come, at least not without clearing it with us. But, so soon after a baby, my gawd. The thought of entertaining, and at Christmas too, is daunting - to say the least. The no sleeping-round the clock nursing-physically unable to sit or stand comfortably-don't want to get dressed and wear makeup for you people-stage is not that short. I need a month, minimum, before I even start to feel like facing the world again.
Shit.
And now we're already fighting because he doesn't think his parents should have to stay in a hotel. F that. I will be as gracious a host as I possibly can, but they are taking their happy asses to a hotel.
If they can't afford it (they can) they can cut their trip short. I've already sent them a list of hotels that they will find acceptable (i.e. cheap and close).

I'm through bending over backwards. I'm the one having this baby, I'm not going to take this shit anymore. What is wrong with AnonHim that he forgets this conversation EVERY TIME WE HAVE A BABY. 4th time around and he's all - it's not that bad.

Of course, he's never had an 8 and a half pound baby rip apart his body, so what the hell does he know. This is a fight I'm prepared to win. They will be staying in a hotel. Period.

I kind of hate them. Why can't they just leave me alone for a few weeks? That's all I ask.

And just who the hell is going to cook Christmas dinner? F*ck.

It's already starting.

Oh, how I hate rugby. How I hate for my husband to be gone. How I wish he'd rather be with us!!

I know, I know, I KNOW that everyone deserves an outlet and needs a break. I go out with my friends a few times a month and I might be certifiably insane without it. My RATIONAL SIDE knows this but my irrational side doesn't give a shit. My irrational side wants him home while I run away to do ANYthing but what I've been doing all day.

When practice is from 6pm to DARK (about 8PM here right now) then I ASSUME that husband will be home about 30 minutes after dark. Not almost 2 hours later. Without a phone call.

Turns out, as I might have guessed, that he went to a sports bar with the guys and had a beer. No big deal really, but it's just so rude to not even call. What if I had needed him?!

He "forgot." 12 damn years together and his excuse is always that he forgot. Glad I'm so forgettable.
Really, he just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that I worry. He doesn't understand why I get upset. He doesn't understand why I think it's a huge sign of disrespect. He had to drive at least 10 minutes from the field to the destination, and he has a working cell phone. How hard would it have been? Really.

Now he's mad that we have a birthday party on Saturday and I don't want him to go to practice. He PROMISED me a 50% commitment this year. Promised. (1 practice a week instead of 2 or 3, and home games only in the fall, half the games in the spring.)

I didn't believe him, but believe ME when I say that I plan on holding his ass to it.

ARGH!

Oh goodness, it's good to be home.
My mil is a pill and a pain. My fil isn't much better right now, in my book. Don't even get me started on my sister and brother in law.
All I can say is, thank you for the almost 1000 miles that separates us.

MIL:
The sighs, the innuendos about us not spending enough time there and spending too much with my sister, the overheard remarks about her seeing Miney ONLY 4 times and he's ALREADY 6 months old (we came there 2 of those times.)
The pushing of sugar and candy on my kids who are SICK and NOT interested. Fine, offer them a cookie - you're a grandma after all! BUT AT BREAKFAST? When they're happily eating cereal and eggs? WHY?!!!
Oh, then the comments about how Meenie is soooo MOODY. (Sick + sugar + not enough sleep + 19 months old = moody. Who knew?! ha)
The terrible cooking, the passive aggressive comments about everything, the perceived slights where there were none. ARGH!
As usual, MIL tried to parent the kids. To make it worse, she does things that I don't do and she KNOWS I don't approve of. She pits them against each other, she tries to scare them and she jumps in when I already have things under control. She is notorious with her own kids because she regularly locked them in the closet when she was on the phone. (as in linen closet. on the shelves. NOT a big closet.)
She wonders why we will never leave the kids with them, or let them stay a week and spend the night, but she has actually slapped Eenie's hand in the past, after I was specific that we don't do that. I have no doubt whatsoever that she would spank them if she felt if necessary and then I might have to strangle her.
If they were HER kids, that would be fine, but these are MY kids. Our kids, our way.

FIL:
Ack, the baptism stuff. I'm so furious over this that I was almost in tears when Anonhim told me. We spent a lot of money and went to a LOT of trouble to get there and then found we were deliberately misled. I am so disappointed. Not only because he didn't baptise Miney, but because he KNEW he wouldn't and didn't tell us. AND because he's always been the level headed one who balanced MIL out, but more and more I feel that he doesn't care for me or the way we do things and is letting her getting away with things that he wouldn't have in the past. With no anchor, how bad will she get?
He also seemed rather disapproving about the way we discipline (i.e. don't spank) our kids. I can take disapproval, but I would prefer that it come with silence and respect.

Sister and BIL:
My sister and bil must be miserable. They fight constantly. They are mean to each other and scream, yell and berate their sweet, sweet girls all the time. They have no patience and I have NEVER seen them play with their kids. They get mad about EVERYTHING and their girls are going to rebel in a big way someday. I fear for their teenage years.
Every time I leave there, I feel like crying. What can I do?
If I said anything they would be furious with me and possibly never speak to me again. It stresses me out just being around them. They honestly fight constantly. Constantly.
Picture it:
We're all going to church. About 30 minutes before we have to leave sister puts 2 older girls (3 & 6) in shower. Yells at them constantly to hurry up. Dries them off, screams to brush teeth. Dresses them, spanks oldest because she doesn't want to wear those shoes. Gives in anyway and lets her wear the shoes that she wants to wear. (Not sure why it's a big deal, just let her wear the damn shoes!) BIL is cussing at them to hurry the hell up all the time. Their very long hair is wet and he screams at sister for not drying it and drags crying girls to bathroom to blow dry hair. Threatens to "beat their asses" if they don't quit crying.
(This is the point Anonhim and I left before I punched them both in the face.)
My mother said that after we left bil said that if their kids were going to be bad while we were there, we wouldn't be invited back anymore.

I swear, what the hell can I do? I think they are awful parents and if that was just a dark, dark moment I could excuse it. That is an everyday occurrence. I can't even describe the tone of their voices. I had a knot in my stomach the whole time. Their poor kids. They are sweet, good, girls and I fear that have been, and are being, scarred.

If I lived closer 2 things would definitely happen:

1. I would offer to watch their girls whenever possible and show them how they ought to be treated.
2. I would probably let my sister and her husband have it and/or smack some sense into them and they would never speak to me again.
   

Indeed.

Anna asked what we should do about our anger? Indeed. What SHOULD we do?

Hell if I know.

Today hasn't been a good day, but I'm trying to take one thing at a time. I think, for me, the next step is recognizing my triggers. Seems there are few times of day and/or situations that really cause me to stress and sometimes lose it.

1 - Early evening. When AnonHim won't be home for 1-2 more hours and I'm trying to make dinner and the kids ALL want a snack, but it's too close to dinner and there is much screaming and chaos and why, oh why can't I get anything done and IS IT 5PM YET!? urgh! (and if AnonHim is late? Oh lordy.)
Unfortunately, this happens every single day. I am trying to find strategies to make this time less stressful.

2 - Being hit. I can't take it. I think it takes me back to being a child, and makes me feel out of control and I just cannot take it. I see red immediately. Luckily, this does not happen often.

3 - Being stressed in general. Anytime all 3 kids need something at once & the phone is ringing, the TV is blaring, the food is burning, etc - I start to feel trapped. This is a trigger if it starts to go on too long.

4 - Screaming. Meenie is at a stage where he will literally SCREECH like a banshee and it is ear piercing. I have actually gone to bed at night with headaches because of his screaming. I know it's a frustration issue as he's learning more and more words, but it is maddening. Luckily, with time, this will pass.

5 - Also, whining. Ugh. Who likes it though, right? Fit throwing from the eldest also goes into this. The boy knows how to push my buttons.

6 - Sleep issues. I clearly remember Eenie as a baby - he never slept. He was probably 10-ish months old when I experienced this rage the first time. I remember practically tossing him at husband, and running from the room. He had NEVER slept through the night (and didn't till he was 2.5years old) and was often up and down a dozen or more times a night. I had been patient so long, trusting that he would sleep through when he was ready. I remember the first time I lost it because I have never felt so small and so angry and so TERRIBLE in my life. How could I be mad at this baby? This little guy who I loved more than anything. I was sure that I was not meant to be a mother. Oh, the cruel dark of night, when everything seems hopeless.

If there's one thing I've learned about motherhood is that you can only control yourself. Sadly, I've also learned that I'm a bit of a control freak.
Now, what to do? Obviously, these things are not things that I can control.

Luckily, some of these things will go away on their own. (Probably though, they will only be replaced by other, equally enraging, things.)
So, what to do?
I'm trying to figure that out.

Anger

I've been reading a fabulous book called She's Gonna Blow by Julie Ann Barnhill . It is helping me in so many ways. It's helping me let go of guilt and help myself and find my faith again.
It has taken me a long time to write this post and an even longer time to come to terms with the issue of my anger.
---------

I never used to be angry. I mean, sure, I'd get cheesed off occasionally - who doesn't? But since having kids, I have experienced anger that scares me. Anger that I didn't even know was down inside me.
This is a very, very hard thing for me to confess. I have always been known as a sweet, nice, loving person. I still think I am those things, but there is a darker side of me. A side that sometimes comes out and I can't seem to stop it. I have had to face the fact that it's OK not to be perfect, but letting others know is a big part of that.

My mother was a big yeller and I know that she regrets it. I hated it as a kid and always swore that I would not do that to my kids. Yet, after each child, my temper and patience seem to have gotten less and less. I have less tolerance for things that didn't bother me before. I find myself raising my voice far too often.
My dad used to have a very violent temper. He still has a temper, but age has mellowed him some. I remember being terrified of him at times and that is not a good feeling.
These are mistakes I do NOT want to repeat with my kids. I cannot stomach the idea of them growing up and thinking these things about me. This will not be their future.

Yet, some days I go to bed and don't feel happy. I lie awake and beat myself up over things that I've done or said and try to think of ways to make better choices next time. Often, when next time comes - as it eventually does - I don't always make better choices. Sometimes I do, but I often just have a knee jerk reaction.
Maybe it's not everyday. Maybe we can go days and weeks at a time without me blowing my top, but I always know it's there under the surface. Are my kids just waiting for the next time I'm going to lose it?

I could blame the situation. I'm still young, in a stressful situation with 3 very small children. Sure, that's a little tough, but this is my life. I can't go around wailing and moaning about the lot I have. I'm a VERY blessed person. I have a beautiful life and should be grateful every moment for it.
Besides that, these kids didn't ask to be born. We brought them here and it's my obligation and joy to raise them.

I could go on and on about the things in my past that have made this anger inside me, but the truth is - what difference does it make?
This is who I am. This is my life. This is IT!
Being that I only get one shot at this, I know that I need to do the best I can.

I'm writing this because I know that I'm not alone. I know that other mothers (and fathers) out there are struggling with anger too. Maybe not everyone, but many.
You aren't alone. You aren't the only one who lies in the dark and promises never to do that again. You aren't the only one who trembled with anger and almost went too far. You aren't the only one who grabbed an upper arm too tightly, or laid a child in bed AGAIN none too gently. You aren't the only one who has heard your toddler say, Don't talk mean to me Mama. and felt your heart break. You aren't alone.

Reach out. I don't want to be alone either.